What it feels like…to have a fling.

By Anonymous, Leeds.

Despite what you might think at first, having a fling isn’t fun. It’s hard work, living a duplicitous life is incredibly difficult, you have to have a very good memory and have to be able to suspend your reality and it will drive you slightly nuts.

I was unhappy in my marriage ( we are now separated ) and felt that life was passing me by.  I thought I’d married my best friend but what happens when you fall out of love and have nothing in common other than the home you share, the same surname and a dull day to day existence feeling unhappy, unloved and unfulfilled?

I’m not blaming my husband in actual fact I take full responsibility for my actions of late. I was selfish, misguided and just a little bit desperate.

We’d been together for 10 years, married for eight. No kids, just a cat. We both have careers and that was our main focus; that’s at the root of our issues, neither of us were able to put each other or our relationship first.

The fling started in September this year. He was someone I met at work, a consultant from London who was conducting an audit on our agency. Older, single and looking for some mischief with someone who he couldn’t really ‘have’.

It happened mostly via our phones – that’s where it started. In the flesh we shared brief, awkward meetings in hotel rooms across the country. That’s what happens when you lose touch with your relationship with your husband, he doesn’t really notice when you’re not around.

Having a fling sounds quite risky and daringly good fun but those fleeting moments are tainted by sickening guilt. Literally going home the next day and being physically sick with the feelings of guilt, shame and remorse.

I was able to suspend time on the odd occasion  and be Intoxicated by the thrill of it all, the buzz of doing something and being somewhere with someone I shouldn’t be with. It wares thin though when you realise that this is what it is; two strangers meeting up to suspend their reality for a few hours and share a bed and each other, momentarily feeling desire and the feeling of being desired.

I’m glad l it ended when it did, just before Christmas. I didn’t want to risk getting caught or feeling shit about myself over the festive period. I already feel shit enough. He agreed, all too easily if you ask me.

I feel like I’ve grown up in the last few weeks. I’ve taken a look at my behaviour, my thoughts and feelings about who I am, what I want, what I can give and at what the future holds and my husband isn’t in it. I told him yesterday that I wanted a divorce. He took it well and has agreed that neither of us are happy and both deserve to be.

I now know that I couldn’t have another fling or affair, it’s too stressful, hurtful to others but mostly yourself. There really is nothing glamorous about it; you have to have a very good memory for telling lies and carry your phone with you at all times. I played with fire and I didn’t get caught; once bitten and twice shy.

So as the New Year is upon us, it’s a time for a new me and goodbye to us of the last 10 years. Do I feel sad? Do I feel scared? Do I feel I’m making a mistake? Yes to all of the above but unless I change things I’ll be stuck in a rut and that’s never a good choice to make is it?