What it feels like…to be divorced.

By Susie C.

My ex husband and I were student sweethearts, we met whilst studying in 1993.

We were best friends, lovers and each others biggest fans. We supported each other through the highs and lows of a very competitive studying environment.

Neither of us came from a particularly wealthy background and we worked so hard individually and together to reach our academic goals.

A few years later we moved in together, completed the rest of our training and the more time went by and we became closer and closer we came to believe that we had each met our soulmates.

We were happy and in love, cherished the time we spent together – our relationship flowed and in the eyes of our family, friends and work colleagues, we were solid.

There was no real worry in our relationship – we worked hard, had a lovely home, had no major financial concerns, we had friends – that we saw on our own and as a couple. We had hobbies, we looked after ourselves, we had a very healthy sex life. We were in my eyes and in my heart, happy and healthy – on every level.

We married when we were both 28 and spent 5 years together before we split up. This was like a bolt from the blue. One day he came home from work, I was in the garden prepping a BBQ for friends and neighbours arriving. Quite matter of factly he put down his coat, briefcase and keys and said “I don’t love you anymore.” then went to the fridge for a beer.

In shock I kidded onto myself that this wasn’t actually happening, this was some sick joke that I would get to the bottom of after our guests had left.

Scott took over the running of the BBQ, I was manic and ran around looking after everyone topping up their drinks and doing everything and anything to not think about what he had just said to me.

By the end of the night I was very drunk. I hadn’t noticed at the time as I was so manic with worry and was drinking a lot, trying to numb my fear, that he had spent quite a lot of time in the company of my friend Georgie.

This didn’t seem unusual until it emerged that after a huge ding dong with me after all our guests had left he had gone to crash at her house, to give me some breathing space to sober up and feel ok again in the morning.

To this day I do not know whether he and Gerorgie were seeing each other at that point. What I do know today is that Scott moved out within a week of telling me it was over and started seeing my divorced and mother or two, “friend” of 5 years Georgie. We weren’t close close friends but close enough.

Fast forward 2 years and he left me, he divorced me and has moved on.

Throughout this period I feel deep into depression and was suicidal. I could not and still to this day, do not know why this happened. He won’t see me or communicate with me. He has cut himself off from mutual friends and family. It is almost as if I did not exist. That hurts like ****. I feel like my past never existed. It was all a dream.

I spent 5 years in therapy – I see a counsellor once every month. I am back on my feet with a job and am rebuilding my life. I am grateful to be here.

At points I was so so low I thought about ending it all. Such was the confusion about what had happened and why he decided to move on with his life so quickly and

The first 2 years when he left I can hardly recall. I was so numb and so depressed. I spent a lot of time on my own – sleeping all day, on medication, not eating or taking care of myself. Before I knew it, I was back at home with my parents, being looked after by 60 year olds who were distraught and upset for me but never showed it.

I forgive myself, I forgive Scott but I find it hard to forgive Georgie. Perhaps that will come in time. I want to free myself of the resentment I feel towards her. In my eyes, she saw an opening, went for it and has bagged herself a new man, security, a complete family and a future – all of which I thought I was building with my husband. Scott is now her husband. We do not speak, except through lawyers. I am so so close to my parents now as they helped nurse me back to who I am today.

The person I am today is not the person I was when I met Scott aged 18. I’m now 40. Georgie and Scott married and have a one year old son. I see him from time to time as his mother still lives in the area where my parents reside. I’ve only seen him once in 10 years – I was parking my car and he was in his. He just looked at me.

It hurts and confuses me so much that we have unfinished business in my eyes. There is so much I want to ask him. I also feel like punching him. Hard. Several times. But I have the gym for that.

I’ve come to accept that we were not meant to be. I just find it hard to accept how it happened. In my eyes, she is a cut price version of me. My friends have told me that. She looks kind of like me and used to copy the way I dressed and the places I went to.

At the time I never thought anything of it but years of analysing and going through my feelings with a therapist means that I no longer get anxious thinking about how and what they did to me and my family and my version of the future.

This isn’t a victim sharing, this is someone who has acceptance and an endless amount of hope for the present and the future. He wasn’t the one for me and she wasn’t the friend I thought she was. Life goes on. It really does. I felt like my world had ended; it hadn’t. It just felt like it for a while.

And as the saying goes: “This too shall pass”. And it did.